Being submissive in bed does not make you a “bad feminist”

I am an outspoken, strong, intelligent, confident, direct and outgoing feminist who is not afraid of confrontation. That means I know what I like about sex, and that is to be dominated.

It took me years to realize that it was a key factor in making my love relationships work better. What I needed was to fix the power imbalances, both the real ones and the ones I thought I perceived, in the sexual plane and also in my life. But of course, finding candidates that fit my requirements has been a big problem, considering that, no matter how much it is in 2018, many people are unable to see the damage of imposing conditions on feminism by telling women how they should be.

Some people think that being submissive in sex is “submitting to gender roles” without discussion.

At the same time, there are also a lot of dominants and submissives out there who are unable to understand that a woman considers herself the same as men and still accepts the role of submissive in bed.

What these dominant and submissive feminists have in common (I’m not saying they can’t overlap) is that they believe that there are formulas for this and that we have to choose identities without feeding the rich inner world that lies beyond these labels. Let’s see, people, we are smarter and more complex than this. There are at least 2400 ways to be submissive, so open your mind and the rest will follow.

Here are nine reasons why being submissive in sex not only doesn’t make you a “bad feminist,” it can be instrumental in reaffirming your strength.

1. Feminism claims your right to decide.

Therefore, assuming the role of the submissive is no less feminist than assuming the role of the dominant. Neither waxing , making food or wanting to have children. What really matters in feminism is that no one can tell you what is the right or wrong way to be a woman (or any other gender, since feminism is for everyone).

Nobody can impose on you what clothes you should wear, nor can they impose on you what it is you really want. If being submissive is what turns you on and makes it happen, that is empowerment, feminism in its purest form. Instead, forcing yourself to fit the mold of a “proper” feminist or submissive is anti-feminist and anti-consensual.

2. The submission is consensual.

A very common misconception is that all kinds of BDSM sex (Bondage and Discipline; Domination and Submission; Sadism and Masochism) are violent. Although actual violence and the use of force have no place in the bedroom, being submissive has more to do with exploring the limits of pleasure and pain, plus the decision should always be consensual. For that there are safe words , and you always have to set limits. Submission is not about compromising . If you feel that this is your case, then you are not doing it for the right reason: for yourself.

3. Being dominated is a very common fantasy.

Researchers at the University of Montreal (Canada) surveyed 1,517 adults about their sexual fantasies and there was a resounding 65% of women who said they liked to be dominated sexually. And surely among them there was some other feminist of arms to take.

4. We need creative ways to get away.

Throughout history (and still today), many societies have despised certain behaviors of women, especially those related to the expression of their sexuality (a greeting, organized religion). By not fighting for sexual desires because of social pressure, women become second-class citizens whose pleasure does not have the same value as men’s pleasure.

Don’t let ignorance of the established order make you renounce the wonderful world of orgasms out of shame or make you deny its existence. Discovering what you want and fighting for it, whatever the situation, is a privilege that women have not always had. Seize the moment.

5. Power is bi-, tri- or four-way.

Although being submissive means that someone has control over you, it is a game of give and take. No one “has” control over you unless you give it to them voluntarily, so your consent puts you in control of the situation. You choose what you want to do, who you do it with and how far you want to go. Playing both the submissive and the dominant roles gives you special power.

6. The image shown by the media of BDSM sex is wrong.

Movies and books teach people that relationships of domination and submission border on abuse, which is not true. A good power play is impossible without mutual respect, as with any relationship worth preserving.

7. Our wishes do not respond to stereotypes.

Sexual preferences are personal. To experiment or not is a decision that depends only on you. If you are a feminist and submissive, what you are saying is that the traditional stereotypes that weigh on feminism are not going to shape your sexual preferences. In the same way that you are not going to be submissive just because you are a woman, you are not going to force yourself to be dominant in bed because you are a feminist. You are going to do whatever you want.

8. “Giving up” control can be great for you.

You may be a tireless woman throughout the day, but letting go of the reins and putting someone else in charge can be very liberating and even restorative. Many strong women enjoy being submissive in bed because it is a way to change the usual chip, just as many people like to be dominant because they are more passive in “real life.” One way or another, it never hurts to take a break.

9. Having a really good time is revolutionary.

Sex has to be fun. Our overloaded minds love to put a lot of complex meanings to sex, but sometimes it can go against the simple desire to have fun (always between adults who agree). Therefore, it is better not to think about it too much. Do what you want and always assume it. There is nothing more feminist than that.

Remember: just because you’re submissive today doesn’t mean you can’t switch and be a dominatrix tomorrow. Your commitment to something will always be as strong as you decide it to be. That is self-love.